Baby Blues

It’s no secret I love babies. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I know it’s clichéd but I really feel destined to be a mother (I’ve been clucky since primary school!). I can’t wait to start a family with Matt and care for our little tribe.

So when 12 months ago my psychologist (in consultation with my dietitian and doctor) told me that because of my weight loss I wouldn’t even have my period if it wasn’t for the pill, it was a slap to the face.

She told me my future fertility could be affected by my actions now. I remember thinking, “This has gone too far”. Not only had the ED taken away my personality, my independence and my social life, it now had its sights set on my future—and my dream to start a family.

From this point on I started to take the advice of my recovery team and my loved ones more seriously. I made a conscious effort to eat more (taking baby steps—no pun intended—like adding an egg to dinner helped a lot). Every time I saw my friends with their kids I’d get a sinking feeling in my stomach if I’d restricted or allowed the ED to rule that day. I knew I was limiting my chances of one day being able to create a little one of my own; to fall pregnant when I was ready.

When you’re living with an eating disorder you need to be slapped back into reality every now and then. You need to be reminded that what you’re doing to your body now will affect you in the future.

For me, the dream of being a mum has given me extra motivation to keep battling though the recovery process. If I feel any ED thoughts coming up I’m quick to remind myself why I’m fighting so hard.

Knowing that I’m getting better at nourishing my body and treating it like it deserves makes me happy. I’m still recovering and I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m in a much better place than I was six months ago, crying in the psychologist’s office. I’m still not perfect, but I’m better.

Not long ago I attended a Christening for my aunty’s first baby (the picture above is of me holding her). Sitting with Matt in the church pews and looking at the joy on everyone’s faces (all because of that sweet little bub) I realised that sinking feeling is gone. Now it’s just butterflies. Because I know I’m on the right track.


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