Our Christmas and a Big Recovery Decision

As most of you are aware Christmas is our most favourite time of year and this year we wanted to truly enjoy every moment of it. So, we decided to get off all forms of social media from the 24th to the 27th of December. We had anticipated taking a lot more photos but (as always) we forgot and were totally off our game with it. We did remember to take a few though (mainly of food, of course) and they’re scattered throughout this post.

Matt and I both had a week off work over the Christmas period and we were looking forward to some relaxation. Unfortunately, my mind had other ideas. Christmas itself went down so well, there was little to no interruption from the ED and I was able to enjoy all the celebrations and eat all the delicious food. But during the aftermath of Christmas things started to unravel. I think this was largely due to the fact I had a scheduled weigh-in at the dietitian’s office coming up, which always makes me extremely anxious. I found myself subconsciously trying to prepare to be weighed – falling into old habits of restriction and compensation, which I hate, and having a really hard time escaping all the ED thoughts.

IMG_6317

Drinking Campos coffees (Christmas cups, of course!) while enjoying one of our favourite Christmas Eve traditions – watching Miracle on 34th Street

The ED had once again coerced me into lying about what and when I was eating. Annoyingly, it seemed to be in control again, telling me I needed to “beat” the scales and ensure I hadn’t put on too much weight. I let this go for a few days, which looking back really frustrates me as I wasted so much of my holidays in an anxious state. But finally I blurted it all out to Matt, telling him about my fears around weight gain, how I felt the ED telling me I shouldn’t put on anymore weight and all the little ED behaviours that were sneaking back into my life. I let him know that I was questioning the benefits of being weighed anymore and he completely agreed.

IMG_6239

Another Christmas Eve favourite – loads of desserts!

Being weighed had always been a must do throughout my recovery. My medical team needed to know where my body was at to ensure I put on enough weight to be healthy. But somewhere along the way standing on the scales became less about making sure I had put enough weight on, and more about making sure I didn’t put too much on (ridiculous I know, but that’s the ED for you!).

IMG_6210

We LOVE Christmas baking!

We went through the pros and cons of continuing to be weighed and found that the best decision for my recovery was to give up the scales. My decision was confirmed after searching through other recovery blogs and reading Julia from the Lord Still Loves Me’s decision to not weigh herself anymore. I realised that the scales had become too much of a controlling factor in my life, my eating and exercise was dependent on weigh-in dates and the anxiety I experienced leading up to weigh-ins was really not worth it, especially considering I’ve been at a healthy, stable weight for 6-9 months.

IMG_6318

It’s really important to remember that this was the right decision for me, right now. Choosing not to be weighed may not be the best decision in your journey at the moment, and there was certainly a time where it would have been the wrong decision for me.

IMG_6231

Christmas was great – now here’s to an even better year in 2016!

But for now, I’ve decided with the help of my support team to measure how I’m going not by the number on a scale, but by my answers to a few simple questions like:

  • Do you have enough energy?
  • Are you getting tired more regularly?
  • Are you eating when you are hungry?
  • Are you resting regularly and listening to your body?
  • Are you happy?

Because ultimately, once you are out of the danger zone, this is what you should use to determine whether you’re healthy, not the number on some scale. Making this decision made me feel so free – my mind was immediately given a break and I was able to relax. I’m not going to lie, there is a lot of fear wrapped up in not knowing my weight and I’m sure the ED will try and use it where it can, but I’m happy with my decision. I’m excited to prove the ED wrong (yet again – seriously does it get anything right?) and to get on living a normal life, completely ED-free.

 

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Our Christmas and a Big Recovery Decision

  1. Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella says:

    That’s great that you are going to stop weighing yourself. It sounds very self destructive Kate and that’s what you need to stay away from 🙂 If you can get to a stage where you listen to your body’s needs (not ED) and not what the scales tell you then that would be very beneficial.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lyss says:

    So so glad you made the decision to stop weighing yourself. I’m so happy too that you were able to have an ED free Christmas and enjoy yourself. Life is too short to let ED get in the way of that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. myquietroar says:

    This was really helpful for me to read. I get weighed at my nurse appts (currently monthly) and it is horrendously anxiety provoking, despite my weight being stable for about 9 months too. I don’t see the point of it anymore, but the service use it for outcome measures, and my nurse feels it’s good for me to desensitise to it. I can see her point but if after a year it still makes me cry than that theory isn’t working! I’ll be interested to read how it works for you, so great to read of you making such a great step towards health.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Ceci says:

        I’ve had food/body image, really just perception issues since I was 8. I’m now 41. This includes a 14 year drug addiction so I could ‘stay thin’ & over this period I was using needles for 5 years. So it was fairly destructive & I’m lucky I’m alive & in great health.

        Last year , 2015, I decided I needed to put this crap to bed once & for all. Leading up to Xmas I felt compelled to just let myself eat whatever I wanted for a few days and BY GOD did I come out of the blocks!! God it was bloody fantastic! I ate EVERYTHING ID BEEN CRAVING!! I knew I needed to learn to listen to my body & stop listening to my ego. So I was necessary for my to go from one extreme to the other – which is my personality in a nutshell! So this has taught me balance. And now I’m not constantly focused on food so the miracles that have been out of reach for me are now beginning to manifest & my world is opening up. All this from surrendering my greatest fear.

        My wish for you is that this happens in your life too. You’re worth it. So next time you want that icecream or chocolate or anything, just eat it & show yourself that you truly love & know how to nourish your body & soul

        ❤️ & 👼 to you, Ceci

        Like

  4. Pol M. says:

    I think we all get anxious when we know we’re to be weighed in. Just like you said, this was a decision for you right now and I believe it was a good one. I’m sure it will give you more peace of mind. Knowing when to adapt the plan in recovery is very important because what worked a few months ago may not be working now.

    Good luck 🙂
    Pol

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s