As most of you are aware Christmas is our most favourite time of year and this year we wanted to truly enjoy every moment of it. So, we decided to get off all forms of social media from the 24th to the 27th of December. We had anticipated taking a lot more photos but (as always) we forgot and were totally off our game with it. We did remember to take a few though (mainly of food, of course) and they’re scattered throughout this post.
Matt and I both had a week off work over the Christmas period and we were looking forward to some relaxation. Unfortunately, my mind had other ideas. Christmas itself went down so well, there was little to no interruption from the ED and I was able to enjoy all the celebrations and eat all the delicious food. But during the aftermath of Christmas things started to unravel. I think this was largely due to the fact I had a scheduled weigh-in at the dietitian’s office coming up, which always makes me extremely anxious. I found myself subconsciously trying to prepare to be weighed – falling into old habits of restriction and compensation, which I hate, and having a really hard time escaping all the ED thoughts.
The ED had once again coerced me into lying about what and when I was eating. Annoyingly, it seemed to be in control again, telling me I needed to “beat” the scales and ensure I hadn’t put on too much weight. I let this go for a few days, which looking back really frustrates me as I wasted so much of my holidays in an anxious state. But finally I blurted it all out to Matt, telling him about my fears around weight gain, how I felt the ED telling me I shouldn’t put on anymore weight and all the little ED behaviours that were sneaking back into my life. I let him know that I was questioning the benefits of being weighed anymore and he completely agreed.
Being weighed had always been a must do throughout my recovery. My medical team needed to know where my body was at to ensure I put on enough weight to be healthy. But somewhere along the way standing on the scales became less about making sure I had put enough weight on, and more about making sure I didn’t put too much on (ridiculous I know, but that’s the ED for you!).
We went through the pros and cons of continuing to be weighed and found that the best decision for my recovery was to give up the scales. My decision was confirmed after searching through other recovery blogs and reading Julia from the Lord Still Loves Me’s decision to not weigh herself anymore. I realised that the scales had become too much of a controlling factor in my life, my eating and exercise was dependent on weigh-in dates and the anxiety I experienced leading up to weigh-ins was really not worth it, especially considering I’ve been at a healthy, stable weight for 6-9 months.
It’s really important to remember that this was the right decision for me, right now. Choosing not to be weighed may not be the best decision in your journey at the moment, and there was certainly a time where it would have been the wrong decision for me.
But for now, I’ve decided with the help of my support team to measure how I’m going not by the number on a scale, but by my answers to a few simple questions like:
- Do you have enough energy?
- Are you getting tired more regularly?
- Are you eating when you are hungry?
- Are you resting regularly and listening to your body?
- Are you happy?
Because ultimately, once you are out of the danger zone, this is what you should use to determine whether you’re healthy, not the number on some scale. Making this decision made me feel so free – my mind was immediately given a break and I was able to relax. I’m not going to lie, there is a lot of fear wrapped up in not knowing my weight and I’m sure the ED will try and use it where it can, but I’m happy with my decision. I’m excited to prove the ED wrong (yet again – seriously does it get anything right?) and to get on living a normal life, completely ED-free.