Earlier this week Matt and I were talking about how big—and bad—an impact the ED has had on both of our lives. We have both found it super important to remind ourselves of just how terrible life has been at times because of the ED.
Don’t get me wrong, we are in no way advising anyone to dwell on the past or stay stuck in sadness (we’re big believers in not letting your circumstances determine your joy), but it can be helpful—for us at least—to remember that eating disorders are actually really, really shit and there is absolutely no argument in favour of living with one.
In our most recent discussion about it we talked about the terrible effects the ED has had on my body, specifically about the medical treatment I’ve had to go through because of it. From the seemingly endless appointments to the blood tests and CT scans, our life revolved around my health. I remember lying alone on the bed of the CT machine waiting for my scan. I was crying because I could taste the iodine that had been injected into my bloodsteam and thinking, What the hell am I doing here? I was there because I had put my body through so much trauma it simply refused to go on functioning.
This was one of my lowest points. I can’t recall another time in my life when I felt so broken and down. But now, looking back, I can use those terrible memories for good. There is no way in hell I’m going through that again. I know now that whatever benefits the ED tries to tell you it can offer are not—and will never be—worth it.
As with all things mindfoodly, I don’t know whether this approach will be helpful for anyone else. All I know is despite being quite confronting, it’s helped me to be damn sure I’ll never abuse my body the way I did ever again. I don’t dwell on the mistakes I made, but in the spirit of taking back power from the ED I use the battles I lost to motivate me to fight even harder to win the battles yet to come.