Over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed a change in myself. A change in how I feel and, as a result, how I act. The only way I can describe it is feeling lighter—ironic, given I’m physically heavier now than when I began my recovery journey!
It’s a cliché, but it really does feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. I think I’d forgotten what it’s really like to be content. What it’s like to be chilled and relaxed. Living with an eating disorder tends to make you feel rigid, angry (hangry, let’s be honest) and anxious pretty much all the time. That’s certainly been my experience over the last few years. But lately there’s been a shift. I feel less worried about life in general and less concerned specifically about what I’m going to eat and when.
I believe this feeling is a reward for my choice to recover. But it’s also a reminder that recovery takes time. This shift has not happened overnight or automatically—it’s literally taken me years to get to this point. I still have bad days …and weeks, on occasion (see my last post for proof). But mostly I’m loving my new found freedom. I finally feel more present in each and every moment, able to just go with the flow instead of planning and controlling everything. I’m enjoying life more. I haven’t laughed the much in forever and I’ve even felt at ease enough to engage in some impromptu crazy dancing with Matt when my joy is overflowing (much to the shock of our neighbours!).
It’s so nice.
I know as well as anyone how utterly hopeless life can feel when the ED’s screaming inside your head. But I wanted to share this post to remind you (or maybe let you know for the very first time) that choosing to keep on recovering is really the only choice you have. It can, and does, get better. Even if you don’t believe that right now I pray that you’ll see me as living proof, that you’ll use me as another piece of evidence to prove that the ED’s lies are just that: complete and utter lies!